posts after posts, i’ve been drafting. the words dont come out right the way i want it to. but things never go my way. they go the way it’s supposed to be, not how i want it. i was a little… down last night, the mood that stretched all the way into the morning, the afternoon and now. im trying to feel a bit better, it’s taking a long time, but im working on it.
normally at recesses, i would prance and dance my way into my other class. but today, i skipped that altogether and went to the fourth floor. to think. i leaned against the wall. with my hands behind. and felt the breeze, the sun and listened to the noises they were making below, trying to tune it all out and hear myself. the first question was “why the gloom” then it did a flip and became “what truly makes me happy” which led, eventually, to “what truly makes me happy in a long run”.
i had no answer to the first question. for the second question, stuff like hanging out with friends, shopping, lazying around in a hot afternoon, food and reading popped into my mind. because i cant possibly survive on all these shallow, temporary things in life to be happy, question three came up. which, i dont have an answer to.
elaborations for answers number:
1) “who am i to break down”. we’re living lives of luxury, coated with cars, bottled water, malls and make-up. instead of being really grateful and taking one more step lending a hand to someone needy, we worry about lack of unnecessary things. THINGS. and that’s exactly what i am doing now. im eternally grateful for my life. but what’s all these oh look pretty clothes! the craves of arrogant, mindless creatures. so basically it’s the worrying of worrying for the wrong things instead of the actual important things. ultimate trivia matters like the size of my waist. they tell me it’s normal to feel like that, that im just turning mad with all these thinking. i dont disagree.
3) i cant rely on something else, someone else to make me happy. i dont think that’s the way it really is. happiness should originate from within, isnt it? the most important thing i could think of was my family. if they are happy and doing well, i am happy. but what if they are not? i cant fall back down together with them, we’re going to need someone to be there and be strong. the only thing, from what i conclude from all that thinking, is strong beliefs like having faith, tons of confidence, being positive minded. these, might i add, would need a very emotionally strong person to withhold through strong winds, bad weather and turbulence.
… i dont know. but i know, for sure, i need to get. a. grip.
geez.
